Jokes of the Month

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

'1'
Blaming your farts on me....
not funny... not funny at all !!!
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'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
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'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
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'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!
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'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.
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'6'

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
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'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip',
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!
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'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
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'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
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'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
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Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Married Couple.

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and proof-the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “ I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.”
So the fairy picked up her wand and proof-the husband was 90 years old. Is there a lesson to be learned?

At last the Joke of the Month: ‘Male Logic’

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: “your Honour I brought the child into the world with pain and labour , she should be in my custody”
The judge turns to the husband and says: “What do you have to say in your defence”?
The father sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose” Your honour if I put a dollar in a
vending machine and a soda comes out, whose soda is it.. the machine or mine?

At last we guys made up some rules, we always hear the female ones!

Here are a few:
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
3. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way!
4. Crying is blackmail!!
5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
7. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl! If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
8. Sunday sports, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be!

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Two drunks were walking along a railway track. The first one said to the other, "this is the longest flight of stairs I've climbed". The second one said, "I don't mind the stairs, but the low railing is killing me."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'for Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Smith's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Smith." The Pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Smith's daughter?" She replied, I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not!".

Little Ann asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
Little Ann thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

One stormy winter night a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Christmas Service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. Little Amanda was wearing a particularly pretty dress and the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress, is it your special Christmas dress?" Amanda replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom say's it's a bitch to iron."

Have a very Happy and Safe Holiday Season!

And at last for a smile:

A woman , no sorry, a man goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas cards.
Nancy, our post master, ask how she could help,
" May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
Nancy replied: "What denomination please ?"
The man says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
OK, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterians, 10 Lutheran, 10 United and 12 Baptists.

Have a nice pre-Christmas Time. Don’t miss the Santa Claus Parade on Sat. Nov.15th in Bowmanville.



The Flower Show

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over toward the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days.
For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the damned flower show!"
" You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

" It was great!" he said. "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"

To our friends from Newfoundland our apologies!

Newfoundland Quarter Being Recalled:
The Canadian Mint has announced the are recalling the new Newfoundland quarters. “We are recalling all of the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued”. Canadian Mint Minister Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. “This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarter will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines ,payphones, or other coin operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw”, said Shackelford. St. John’s University student O “Farrell submitted the winning design for Newfoundland quarter. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and a nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devises”.


Teacher

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” is feminine –“la maison”, “Pencil” is masculine – “le crayon”
A student ask, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female- and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The male group decided that “computer” should definitely be of feminine gender (la computer), because :

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistake are stored in long term memory for possible later review, and
4. As soon as you make commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories.

The female , girls group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer”) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. Of course the girls won!


Will you live to be 90?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After 2 visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”
He asked, “Well , do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?”
I said “No, I’ve heard that all “red meat” is very unhealthy!”
“ Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” he asked. “No I don’t,” I said. Finally he asked :” Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?” “No I said, I’ve never done any of those things”
He looks at me in disbelieve and said, “Then why in Gods name do you want to live to be 90??”

The Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest , said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked, the front of the church fills first.”
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.” “ Thank you father, “ answered the young priest,
“ I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “Well”, said the elderly priest, I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive –thru Confessional.” “ But father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!” “I know my son,” replied the old man. But that flashing neon sign, ‘ Toot’n Tell or Go to Hell’, cannot stay on the church roof!”